Dear New Car Buyer

I've done some research(on emode.com). And, after taking a quiz entitled What's Your Perfect Car? as you, Dave, the car guru says "Dave, You're a Beater! What do you care if your exhaust pipe drags a little on the pavement or if it takes a few tries to wheeze that motor to life in the morning?"

I must have been pretty dead on in my answering of the questions. The quiz produced accurate results as it says a beater is a testament to your laid-back lifestyle. It suggests a 1970
Dodge Dart but I think you need a more upbeat beater. I'm thinking a nicely used late 90s Chevy Cavalier or Ford Escort or Grand Am.

Toot, we don't get to find out what kind of car he bought until YOU respond to his question as well.

Happy Driving,
Baby Clark


Dave,

Seeing that it's Tuesday and I'm clearly late on this, my guess is you already purchased a car. I hope you got a Toyota Prius, because that's what I'd want if I needed a car. Did ya, did ya?

Sorry I suck,
Toot

Someday My Prince Will Come

Dear Baby Clark and Toot,

My best friend is crazy...Like for real...Usually not in a good way. I think she has watched too many movies, because it seams like sometimes she puts her love life in the plot of a typical romantic comedy except when the bad part hits there is usually not cute happy ending with a cover of everlasting love playing in the background. (Although, I'm glad she is a fan or romantic comedies rather than slasher films because that would really end badly.)

In truth, I'm pretty sure that if she realized that she could be independent, it would help with the whole dating thing. Since yelling CUT! isn't an option, how do I get her to realize that all the pieces falling into place and living "happily ever after" doesn't work as well in the real world, isn't practical, sort of naive, and pretty boring? I'm not saying give up or lower expectations but don't expect everything to just happen without a little work and less crazy.

Signed,
the not so drama queen

Dear Not So Drama Queen,

When I first read your question, I was going to suggest showing this friend movies in which the ending is not happy-not like the movie ends with death, but perhaps movies where happily ever after isn't established. Now, my plan was to have a list of such movies but the only one I can think of is....Cool Runnings.

Yup, that's the only movie I can come up with where the pieces don't fall into place at the end. Ok, I mean, even though the pieces of the bobsled fall, Team Jamaica does not win thus no happily ever after/not the ending we expect(unless of course you know the story behind the Jamaican bobsled team before viewing it).

I'm going on a tangent and even though I like math, I need to get back on track.

Ok, so does this friend like waiting for Prince Eric(I have never found Prince Charming to be the ideal mate thus I use Prince Eric)? Is it fun sulking? I've never found it to be that exciting or fruitful. The way I see it, she needs to work on making herself happy first because once Eric walks into the picture, there will always be Ursulas who will ruin the happiness. Now, Ursulas aren't always hot other women, they can be a change in job or living situation or even a change in what gender one is attracted to.

Oh, just as I was going to wrap this up, the Family Channel comes to the rescue. The end of Casper is on and guess what? It doesn't end happily. Christina Ricci gets to dance with hottie Devon Sowa for only 5 minutes and then he turns back into a ghost. BUT he's a ghost who is her best friend. SO, here comes the big conclusion: Have your friend find some guy friends(via work or craigslist..whatever). Every magazine always tells us that friends make the best lovers so why can't friends make the best Prince Erics?

This was long-winded and I apologize,
Baby to the Clark

Real Life Is Lame

BC&T,

So...an old friend of mine was in for the weekend and we drank a fair amount of alcohol and had a blast. How can I make "real" life seem worthwhile after seeing how fun-filled life can be?

-Dave, obviously

Dearest Dave,

Oh hell, I absolutely don't know what to tell you. I'm going to have to think about this one while I'm not sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen for 9 hours straight. I'll get back to you.

-Toot

Dear Dave,

Are you insinuating that real life is not fun-filled? I find this hard to believe, especially coming from a future teacher. Dave, you have TONS to look forward to as a teacher.

First, weekends AND summers off. You can live in the Lou in the summer and have jager-bomb concoction parties every night--that's fun-filled.

Second, you get out of work at 3ish EVERY FRICKIN DAY. And, you don't have to take anything home with you. I don't.

Third thing to look forward to in real life--weeknight plans. On Mondays, I watch WWE Raw. On Tuesdays, I have a small gathering for dinner and watch American Idol. On Wednesdays, I go over to a friend's house to watch American Idol(and Moment of Truth) with his mom and cat, Stanley. On Thursdays, I go to bed at 9. On Fridays, I watch 20/20 and go to bed at 9. See. Those are some FUN plans. And, if you add the Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy hour from 6 to 7 into your week night routine...man, the fun is off the chain.

I know what you're thinking now, Dave. But, Baby Clark, I still have one more year of college left. That's a long time to wait for this fun-filled life I will enjoy as an educator of young minds. And, yes, a year is a long time. But, when you have cable tv in your dorm room and can watch Home Improvement(and Baywatch starting March 3 on Ion) every night, time will fly by.

And, don't worry, your friend will be back to partake in more alcoholic beverages with you soon--he knows he's always got a couch to crash/puke on at BC's pad.

Baby Clark



Dearest Dave (take two),

I've been thinking about this and have decided that well, heck, I'm in what you call "real life" right now. But ya know what? I'm enjoying it. Yeah, sometimes knowing you have to get up the next morning and do the same routine is less than favorable, but if you start a career that you like, you'll enjoy it.

What a lot of post-college grads fall into is just taking any job they can get. They might take it because it was the first thing offered or maybe because they absolutely feel the need to follow a boyfriend/girlfriend somewhere and again, just take any job they can get. This is called a "job." It's not a "career." A job is something you need, a career is something you like doing. And I think that people who just have a job to pay the bills aren't as happy as they could be -- their lives aren't as stable, and you won't be who you truly are until you find that real career path.

Take Baby Clark and I for example. We were lucky enough to get jobs where we wanted and we don't mind going to work every day. Now, I don't like getting UP every day. But once I'm there, I'm totally fine. That's a different story. But I like talking to the people I work with, I feel satisfied at the end of the day with what I accomplish, and I'm not totally drained once I get home from work that I just go to sleep. You can still enjoy life after the work hours, and that's what's important! So, like Baby Clark, if you are obsessed with Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, then being able to watch those every day after work is a plus.

And don't forget the weekends. Work hard, play harder.

-Tootalator

V-Day Singleness

Dear Baby Clark and Toot-

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am again reminded of my "singleness." I live in a horrible town filled with fertile men and stds, so I'm not really putting myself out there because I don't want to be pregnant and/or contaminated (for lack of a better word). So, what's a single girl to do on a holiday meant for those who have someone? Oh, and don't suggest I hang out with"my girls" because they are not within driving distance. What's a girl to do? How would you gals suggest I spend February 14th?
Regards,

Guyless in G-Burg

Dear Guyless,

To reward you for you actually e-mailing us your question, you get a quick response. I salute you.

I also salute you for living in G-Burg and actually considering Valentine's Day plans, because we all know there really aren't any potential suitors of our age in the area. That has to be rough. But do not fret, Toot has the ultimate date night for you.

You will wear a little black dress. I suggest this dress from J. Crew in black:

The pink is cute, too, but I want it. We can't have the same dress, now can we?

You won't be eating in Galesburg, even though I highly suggest the Landmark. But that's kinda awkward for a date -- that's more a of "with your girls" kinda place. But since you don't want that, you should probably head to Peoria. You'll have to do your own research on where to eat there.

On the way back from dinner, you and your date (soon to be revealed!) will listen to Amos Lee in the car and hold hands -- if you're lucky, he'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear. He'll then bring you to his house. Yes, a house. Not an apartment like we twenty-somethings are used to -- a house.

So you must be thinking your date must be the offspring of Carl Sandburg or Ronald Reagon (Ronald Reagon trail what?) since he clearly has money. Oh no, it's just that he's probably about 42 years old.

Miss Guyless, you are going to be spending your V-Day with none other than the creepy photographer from The Register-Mail. Oh honey, you know exactly who I am talking about. It's unfortunate that only about two other people will know who I am talking about, but just know that he would kill for a young girl like yourself. There is no way he has a date!

He has curly brown hair. You have curly brown hair. He likes young women. You like older men? He hangs around the high school. You used to go to that high school.

Perfect.

Hope you enjoy your night; you will no longer be guyless.

Regards,

Toot

Dear GIG,

Perhaps by sharing my V-day plans, I can inspire you to a celebration of your own. On the glorious February 14, 2008, I will...

1. get up at 5:45
2. dress in red and don heart socks
3. hand out Kit Kats(they have cute valentine messages written into the chocolate!) to all the little kiddies while answering questions like "Who's your Valentine, Ms. Baby Clark?" and "You got a man, dontcha, Ms. B?" with a "Do your Math!"
4. come home to see I have a package(!) waiting for me at the front office
5. realize that package is not a surprise because I was told about it on Tuesday
6. conclude that the only people who love me are Mom and Dad
7. sulk by watching some hot college athletes shoot some hoops
8. eat some heart-shaped funfetti cake

Ok, GIG, did you take notes? If not, the most important thing for YOU to do on this wonderful holiday is found in number 8. Eat a funfetti cake. A whole one. By yourself.

Baby Clark

p.s. Amber Atkins was called down to the office again today.

Soothe the Throat

Dear hidingtrumpets,

I just got so excited when you asked about specific products because I LOVE products! Usually I would just tell you to refrain from shouting at a basketball game, but I understand the intensity of last night's Valpo vs. Butler game, so I'll allow it this time.

If you expect to be screaming and shouting at another game or perhaps a concert (probably not one of yours at the Chapel), I suggest a little ice cream. Yes, you are all wishing I would have been your mother growing up, aren't you? But not only is ice cream refreshing in hot temperatures -- such as a gym or concert hall -- but it also soothes the throat! AND, look what I found:

Dr. Bob's ice cream. It has to be good for you if it is prescribed by a doctor! So have a couple mouthfuls before the next game; I suggest the "Strawberry, Sour Cream and Brown Sugar" flavor. Just don't blame me if your throat produces that bubbly, cloggy voice that happens after you eat something creamy.

-Toot

Dear hidingtrumpets,

Obviously, you're asking this question for a friend because I know for a fact that you were not screaming like a crazed student section sitter should have been on Tuesday. Yes, I was watching you.

Side note: I quite enjoyed seeing you get my text AND how you proceeded to show it to your maintenance. I'm glad I'm that funny.

But, back to the question, I prescribe tequila. After a few shots of it, you won't know if your throat is hurting from the screaming or from the Jose Cuervo.

-Baby Clark


Dear hidingtrumpets,

Tequila also makes your clothes come off. Well, at least it does for Baby Clark. So consumer beware.

-Toot

Gentrification and Valparaiso

Dear Matt,

I know you think I know nothing about geography, but remember how I took all of those geo classes back at Valpo? We've talked about this before. They were some of my favorite classes!

I don't have too many thoughts on your topic of gentrification and its effects on Valparaiso, IN, but I do know this: it's going to cause less and less African Americans to live there. And therefore, since you already only have one friend who is black, you'll continue to still only have one friend who is black. And your children who will grow up in Valparaiso, IN or Morgan Township, IN will be the same.

Since you will some day run for mayor of Valparaiso, I suggest you change this. If you keep pushing poorer families to Hammond and Gary, IN they will be losing out on potential opportunities for a solid career.

Just ... listen to me. I'll run your campaign.

-Toot


Dear Harold,

Gentrification: The reason I will have to travel outside of Valpo to meet my husband.

-Baby Clark

Reddi Wip Vs. Cool Whip

Dear Becky,

Since you came the closest to asking a question, and nothing I'm doing at work is keeping me awake, I figured I should explain to you the one major difference between Reddi Wip and Cool Whip.

We all know that Valentine's Day is coming up. Right? February 14. I purchased some heart-shaped molds to make pancakes in just for the occasion, and if I'm feeling frisky, I might also purchase some Reddi Wip to drizzle on top. Notice I didn't say Cool Whip. Reddi Wip is best on foods. Cool Whip is best on people.

Have you ever tried squirting Reddi Wip on someone (especially if they are standing)? It doesn't stay; it's a much heavier consistency than Cool Whip. So I suggest, if you are wondering since V-Day is fast approaching, that you purchase both a container of Cool Whip and Reddi Wip. You just don't know what you might need it for.

-Toot


Dear Becky,

Unlike Toot, I prefer Reddi Wip to Cool Whip in any situation. For me, it's all about taste. The heavier consistency of Cool Whip is not what I'm looking for in a dessert topping. It doesn't matter if the dessert in question is a strawberry or someone else's body.

Reddi Wip wins style points, too. I don't think you can easily make a heart shape on your roommate's chest with cool whip from a tub, can you? Nope. For that, you need the aerosol can.

The only down side to Reddi Wip is the unmistakable noise the product makes when it comes out of the can. I guess if you're trying to be discrete about your use of dessert toppings in a room other than the kitchen, you may want to opt for the Cool Whip. Less noise. Less chance that your neighbors will think you're a freak in the bed.

-Baby Clark

P.S. Our lactose intolerant readers may want to try this new product for their Valentine celebration.