V-Day Singleness

Dear Baby Clark and Toot-

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am again reminded of my "singleness." I live in a horrible town filled with fertile men and stds, so I'm not really putting myself out there because I don't want to be pregnant and/or contaminated (for lack of a better word). So, what's a single girl to do on a holiday meant for those who have someone? Oh, and don't suggest I hang out with"my girls" because they are not within driving distance. What's a girl to do? How would you gals suggest I spend February 14th?
Regards,

Guyless in G-Burg

Dear Guyless,

To reward you for you actually e-mailing us your question, you get a quick response. I salute you.

I also salute you for living in G-Burg and actually considering Valentine's Day plans, because we all know there really aren't any potential suitors of our age in the area. That has to be rough. But do not fret, Toot has the ultimate date night for you.

You will wear a little black dress. I suggest this dress from J. Crew in black:

The pink is cute, too, but I want it. We can't have the same dress, now can we?

You won't be eating in Galesburg, even though I highly suggest the Landmark. But that's kinda awkward for a date -- that's more a of "with your girls" kinda place. But since you don't want that, you should probably head to Peoria. You'll have to do your own research on where to eat there.

On the way back from dinner, you and your date (soon to be revealed!) will listen to Amos Lee in the car and hold hands -- if you're lucky, he'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear. He'll then bring you to his house. Yes, a house. Not an apartment like we twenty-somethings are used to -- a house.

So you must be thinking your date must be the offspring of Carl Sandburg or Ronald Reagon (Ronald Reagon trail what?) since he clearly has money. Oh no, it's just that he's probably about 42 years old.

Miss Guyless, you are going to be spending your V-Day with none other than the creepy photographer from The Register-Mail. Oh honey, you know exactly who I am talking about. It's unfortunate that only about two other people will know who I am talking about, but just know that he would kill for a young girl like yourself. There is no way he has a date!

He has curly brown hair. You have curly brown hair. He likes young women. You like older men? He hangs around the high school. You used to go to that high school.

Perfect.

Hope you enjoy your night; you will no longer be guyless.

Regards,

Toot

Dear GIG,

Perhaps by sharing my V-day plans, I can inspire you to a celebration of your own. On the glorious February 14, 2008, I will...

1. get up at 5:45
2. dress in red and don heart socks
3. hand out Kit Kats(they have cute valentine messages written into the chocolate!) to all the little kiddies while answering questions like "Who's your Valentine, Ms. Baby Clark?" and "You got a man, dontcha, Ms. B?" with a "Do your Math!"
4. come home to see I have a package(!) waiting for me at the front office
5. realize that package is not a surprise because I was told about it on Tuesday
6. conclude that the only people who love me are Mom and Dad
7. sulk by watching some hot college athletes shoot some hoops
8. eat some heart-shaped funfetti cake

Ok, GIG, did you take notes? If not, the most important thing for YOU to do on this wonderful holiday is found in number 8. Eat a funfetti cake. A whole one. By yourself.

Baby Clark

p.s. Amber Atkins was called down to the office again today.